Wilnervision!

So here we are, facing the end of another year. On the upside, I didn’t lose as many friends and family members in 2008 as I did in 2006 or 2007; of course, after 2006 and 2007 I don’t have as many friends and family members to lose, so statistically that was probably bound to happen.

Let’s stick to the upside, shall we? Cannes. Vienna. London, more than once. A great new job, which came complete with awesome benefits, a lovely new group of friends and heightened visibility, for good or ill. (This week, with the online bitching about my review of “Toronto Stories” still ongoing, falls over on the “ill” side of the scale.)

Marriage going well. Health seems good. I turned forty without developing any mysterious lumps, boils or goiters. Oh, and in similar life-changing news, the magnificent Caplansky’s opened within walking distance of my house. Upside: The walk helps works off the exquisite smoked-meat sammiches. Downside: I could, conceivably, eat exquisite smoked-meat sammiches six days a week.

No, wait, that’s an upside too.

Happy New Year, everybody. If you really have nothing to do today, check out my silly (but entirely credible) trendspotting piece in today’s paper, and then brave the freezing cold for a sammich or two. Because sammiches are really the best insulation.

Ask the dogs. They know.

My latest Sympatico/MSN DVD column is up, in which I take my annual retrospective romp through twelve months’ worth of home-video releases.

Jump on in; you may be surprised at some of my picks. Then again, you may not … I did sort of telegraph my bouquets this year.

I have just received what may be the greatest spam mail ever: It comes from FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III and includes the words “Puppy Scammers”. I reprint it verbatim below the jump, so that you may giggle at it until you get tired and have to lie down.

Remember, “Please if you know you cannot be able to afford the $150 for the delivery of your ATM card via FedEx then do not bother to contact Mr. Kelvin Williams as we are at the End of the year and he should be busy with some other things.”

(more…)

It’s finally happened: Somebody got shot in a movie theater for talking.

The weird part? The movie was “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, a film that wouldn’t necessarily encourage loudmouthery.

Over at Cinematical, Peter Martin takes the long view of the incident, asking pertinent questions like “Who brings a gun to a Cate Blanchett movie?” and making sure we note that the assailant sat back down to finish the film after blasting his cap, while the rest of the audience fled the screening. (I’m just glad he didn’t open up on the other theatergoers for cutting off his view.)

Since the victim wasn’t critically wounded — just shot in the arm — it somehow feels okay to make light of this. And in truth, it’s pretty great that no one was killed, because this is the sort of incident that’s been coming for years.

People aren’t quiet in movies any more. And acceptable theater behavior — talking, texting, taking cell calls — has gone completely out the window since multiplexes have turned into party zones, with the video games and the Burger Kings and the bar service. (And who brings a kid to “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”, anyway? Was “Marley & Me” sold out?)

I’ve shushed more than my share of babblers — usually by shaming them with the same voice I employ to stop dogs from eating my bedding — but I’ve never come even close to getting physical with anyone. Of course, I’m not packing heat, either.

Was it George Carlin or David Cross who came up with the bullet theory of reducing gun violence? (UPDATE: It was Chris Rock; thanks, Mark!) Let everyone have a piece, but make the bullets $10,000 each, so you really have to think through whether someone needs killing.

Ah, that won’t help. People will just club each other with their gun butts. Which would, I’ll freely admit, make “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” a lot more entertaining.

If you thought the “Star Wars Holiday Special” was as low as George Lucas could go … how about “Star Wars” on stage?

Oh, yes: TV Guide is reporting that Lucas, John Williams and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra are prepping “Star Wars: A Musical Journey”, which will pair clips from all six films with live performances of selections of Williams’ scores. But it’s classy; it’s going to have live narrators!

Yes, that’s right: George Lucas is cribbing ideas from Guy Maddin now. I sense a great disturbance in the Force.

That said, I’d love to hear Isabella Rossellini try to get through the opening crawl of “The Phantom Menace” …

I am not a sentimentalist, but waking up from a mild turkey coma, seeing fresh snow on the ground and realizing that there are sixty Jaffa cakes begging to be eaten … ah, that says Christmas to me.

My values are slightly skewed, mind you. But not as badly (segue!) as the values of the people who green-lit the soulless failures that make up this morning’s Sympatico/MSN gallery, which nods in the direction of “The Spirit” and “Valkyrie” by running down seven other recent movies that appeared to have everything in place for successful ventures, only to botch the job hideously.

Sorry to bring up “The Golden Compass” again, but relevant is relevant.

Happy Boxing Day, everyone! May you make it safely through the malls, find great deals where you need them, and enjoy at least one piece of candy before noon.

I think there’s some stuff. Also, it seems Harold Pinter has died. Somehow that cheap shot about his “Sleuth” screenplay being a sign of early decline seems kind of mean now. Not wrong, mind you, just mean.

“Bedtime Stories”: Adam Sandler plays a shiftless uncle who learns the value of growing up when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start coming vividly true. But the really improbable part? Keri Russell plays his love interest. Rad bears witness.

“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button“: Brad Pitt ages backwards! Cate Blanchett dances! New Orleans serves as a clumsy metaphoric backdrop for an epic American tale that’s as digitally processed — and, ultimately, as pointless — as a certain 1994 Oscarpalooza directed by Robert Zemeckis. I don’t blame David Fincher for trying (and failing) to tell a human story as much as I blame screenwriter Eric Roth; now, that guy can just go Gump himself.

“Marley and Me”: Look, I know the dog is adorable. I also know what happens to the dog. I will be elsewhere, probably forever. But Rad acknowledges that the movie worked on him, so that’s something.

“The Spirit“: Frank Miller tries to bend Will Eisner’s doofy crime-fighter to his misogynist will, and fails mightily. Some eggs just aren’t meant to be hard-boiled — especially when Samuel L. Jackson is ranting about them at full volume in every other scene. (Louis Lombardi’s a hoot, though.)

“Valkyrie“: Yeah, Tom Cruise doesn’t really pull of the German-aristocrat thing as well as he thinks he does. But at least he’s not the only thing pushing against Bryan Singer’s tale of a 1944 coup attempt within the Nazi high command; that whole Hitler-assassination plot somehow fails to generate a whole lot of tension. On the upside, you’ll witness incredible advances in digital swastika technology.

“The Wrestler”: Darren Aronofsky’s gritty tale of a lug’s redemption has been greeted ecstatically at film festivals around the world, and it is indeed very good … though, much like Mickey Rourke’s disintegrating hero, it’s also a little on the clumsy side. But that’s really the worst thing I can say about it, and Rourke really is amazing, as Barrett and Jason argue at greater length.

Oh, and “Waltz with Bashir” opens tomorrow. It’s very good. If you aren’t braving the Boxing Day hordes, there are worse ways to spend a soggy afternoon …

What’s this? A second post on Christmas Eve Day? Why, it must mean that my Very Special Sympatico/MSN DVD column has gone up after all, offering a last-minute look at some seasonal shows you might wish to spin up tonight.

Enjoy! And happy merry whatever, to all y’all …

Since Christmas falls on Thursday this year, this week’s NOW hits the stands early — and with it, my list of the ten best movies of 2008. (Barrett’s and Susan’s lists are in there as well, but obviously mine is the most awesome.)

Some more pre-holiday business: If you’re near a radio (or a computer) at 1 pm this afternoon, dial up 590AM (or click on the “Listen Live” tab at The Fan’s website) to catch me on my brother’s radio show. I have no idea what we’ll be talking about. Latkes, maybe.

Oh, and for all of you who were worrying that Blu-ray player prices weren’t coming down fast enough, check out these Boxing Day deals: Best Buy will be selling its house-brand Insignia player for $99.99 come 8 pm. Which means you’ll probably be able to pick up a Samsung or a Sharp for about $200. I’d recommend doing that, by the way; the Insignia is profile 1.1, which means no picture-in-picture commentaries or BD-Live functionality.

Of course, if you really love yourself, you’ll get a PlayStation 3. Spirit of the season and all.

Seriously, it’s in the Constitution or something.

Thus, I’m helping my wife with some last-minute shopping this afternoon, helping her entertain her brother later this evening (not exactly a chore, mind you), and helping my brother tomorrow afternoon by appearing on his radio show to talk about sports movies, or Christmas sports movies, or something.

Yeah, well, there’s not a lot of stuff to talk about on Sports Central this week. But I’ll be giving it my best shot at 1:05 pm tomorrow (Wednesday). In the Toronto area, tune us in at 590 AM; online, you can go to the FAN website and click on the blue “Listen Live” tab near the top right of the home page.

And if you’re experiencing a similar holiday slowdown, call in and tell me which “Slap Shot” movie is your favorite. I promise not to judge, unless of course you pick the wrong one.