Wilnervision!

Over at his blog — which is more like an ever-expanding collection of thoughtful essays than the daily splattering of passing observations than we mere mortals play at on our piddly little sites — Roger Ebert has finally weighed in on the turmoil that ensued behind the scenes (and in front of the cameras) at his “At the Movies” syndicated television show a couple of years back, when health issues forced his exit from the program.

In addition to being a very entertaining read — particularly in the sections discussing one of the replacement critics, idiot king Ben Lyons, who’s since been turfed in favor of people who actually know what they’re talking about — it’s a thoughtful meditation on the way TV film criticism has changed in the quarter-century since Siskel and Ebert first went to the movies, and on Ebert’s recent confrontation with his own mortality.

You should check it out. I would give it two thumbs up, but of course the thumbs are trademarked … and besides, the show doesn’t do the thumbs thing any more.

Oh, and “New Moon” is still topping the box office, which either tells us that critics no longer matter … or that we need good ones now more than ever.

Stick around, Roger. We read you.

My latest MSN Movies gallery is up, using the premiere of “The Road” as an excuse to look at other big-screen adaptations of novels that made it into Oprah’s Book Club.

And yes, I left out productions that predate the formation of the book club by decades, like “East of Eden” and “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter”. It just made the pre/post thing impossibly convoluted.

By the way, Oprah — you know, since it’s just us here — how have you not managed to put “To Kill a Mockingbird” on your list after 13 years of book clubbing? That’s an oversight that just cries out for rectification.

The last Friday in November is a strange spot on the theatrical release calendar. The big studio movies opened on Wednesday, the better to take advantage of the long Thanksgiving weekend, so all that’s left are boutique releases and the stray mini-major title. This year, it’s “The Road”, which opened in the U.S. on Wednesday but went the Friday route here. Shall we run down the list?

“Absurdistan”: Hey, remember the quaint absurdity of Veit Helmer’s “Tuvalu”? Well, now you can experience it all over again in Helmer’s latest, a comedy of manners loosely based on “Lysistrata”. Susan loathed it, though.

“Big Fan“: Robert D. Siegel’s bleak tale of a football obsessive showcases a terrific performance from Patton Oswalt — which you already know, if you read yesterday’s post about my cover story in this week’s NOW. But you should still check it out.

“Coopers’ Camera“: Warren Sonoda’s microbudgeted comedy was the subject of my very first NOW cover story, back in August of 2008; now, fifteen months later, it’s making its theatrical bow here at home. It’s funny. And horrible. And then funny again. Try it, you’ll like it.

“The Headless Woman“: You know how some movies are praised to the skies by critics, but they end up leaving you cold? Well, I’m still pretty frigid towards Lucrecia Martel’s muzzy drama, which has rebounded from its contentious Cannes premiere to become a sort of cause celebre in some circles. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a guy who has opinions about things.

“Parking”: Glenn is high on this Taiwan multicharacter comedy-drama, the directorial debut of Taiwanese director Chung Ming-hong. I hope it’s still running when I can spare the time to see it.

“New York, I Love You“: Well, I do. But the movie’s a mixed bag, with some great stuff, some terrible stuff and a lot of middling contributions. Oh, and someone really needs to enroll Brett Ratner in a gender-sensitivity course or something, because he’s going to hurt somebody.

“The Road“: Here’s a conundrum: John Hillcoat’s adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s merciless post-apocalyptic allegory isn’t grim enough to capture the true despair and horror at the story’s heart. The result is a sort of exhausted drone, when what we really should be hearing is a long, unbroken scream; the only worthy adaptation of McCarthy’s book would be literally unwatchable.

Well, I did say it was a conundrum …

The latest issue of NOW is out, and that Patton Oswalt interview I mentioned a couple of weeks ago? Why, it’s our cover story. Enjoy it — and then, if you have some time, go out and buy his CDs, because they’re great. Yes, people still buy CDs. Stop snickering. Use the iTunes if you must.

Also in this week’s issue, you’ll find my conversation with Viggo Mortensen and Kodi Smit-McPhee regarding “The Road”, and Q&As with that film’s director, John Hillcoat, and Oswalt’s “Big Fan” director, Robert D. Siegel.

All that transcription, and my brain never exploded — it’s an American Thanksgiving miracle!

My latest MSN DVD column looks at Judd Apatow’s “Funny People” — a film that’s three-fifths flawed but interesting and two-fifths just plain wrong.

Fortunately, the sections cleanly separate around the 85-minute mark, so if you hit “stop” when you hear someone say “My accent’s not so bad now, is it?”, you might come away satisfied. A long shot, I know, but worth trying if you’re an Adam Sandler or Seth Rogen fan.

Of course, then you’ll miss an amazingly miscalculated performance from Eric Bana, who only shows up in the film’s final stretch. It’s your call.

Also, because it’s the day before U.S. Thanksgiving, movies are opening! Three of them! Specifically:

“Fantastic Mr. Fox“: Wes Anderson + Roald Dahl x George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Billy Murray and Michael Gambon = delightful. If you’re like me, and you enjoy things that are wonderful, you should see this as soon as possible.

“Ninja Assassin“: The title sounds redundant, right? Ninja are assassins, after all. But this guy — played by Korean superstar and occasional Colbert rival Rain, whom I interview here — actually kills ninjas, making the title as accurate as … well, as accurate as a thrown shuriken. My review will be in tomorrow’s paper; I’ll link to it as soon as it’s online. (Short version? It’s no “Ninja III: The Domination”.)

“Old Dogs”: John Travolta and Robin Williams — who haven’t really had the best of years — bid for the dollars of the elderly with a mid-life parenthood comedy from the director of Travolta’s “Wild Hogs”. I saw “Wild Hogs“. I will not be seeing “Old Dogs” if I can help it. So there.

Over at the AV Club this morning, Mike D’Angelo bravely confronts his hatred of the extended take in a piece about the amazing in-car assault sequence in Alfonso Cuaron’s “Children of Men” … which, it seems, will be turning up on a lot of best-of-the-decade lists in the coming weeks. Including mine, probably.

The best-of-the-decade thing has been kicking my ass, actually. I mean, there are a few obvious entries, but suddenly you’re staring at two or three dozen obvious entries, and then you realize there’s no room for “Bad Boys II” … and that’s when the panic sets in.

Anyway, I’m struggling with it. Any suggestions?

As you may have heard, “New Moon” made a great deal of money this past weekend, scoring an opening gross of $140.7 million — the third biggest opening ever, behind “The Dark Knight” and “Spider-Man 3″. The lesson here? Never underestimate the power of teenage girls and their babysitting money.

Of course, if that was really all it took, then the Jonas Brothers concert picture would have been just as massive, and that horrible live-action “Bratz” movie would have been the top film of 2007.

No, there’s got to be something else at work here. I’m seriously considering establishing a foundation to research the phenomenon, and look for a cure. Come on, people — let’s see if we can’t beat this thing before “Eclipse” opens next summer!

Continuing our vampire weekend, here’s my latest MSN movies gallery, looking at various undead suitors in film and television.

Oh, and “New Moon”? Huge. I guess those child admissions really add up.

So, CTV News Channel had me on yesterday to talk about “New Moon”, and somehow I ended up talking about what the sparkly abstinence vampires and the shirtless werewolf lads actually mean in terms of sexual politics and metaphors and stuff, and how Stephenie Meyer doesn’t really have the first idea about horror iconography … or indeed, a grasp on anything she’s talking about.

I’m, um, going to spend the rest of the weekend in hiding.

I’ve said this before, but this is the truly fascinating thing about Nicolas Cage: He knows exactly what he is doing. He wants you to laugh; he wants to find out how far he can go. And therefore, there is no other movie you need to see this weekend besides “Bad Lieutenant”. I’ll mention the other stuff, but seriously? Cage. Herzog. Batshit insanity at its finest. Seriously, look at the photo. LOOK AT IT.

“The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans“: You want the crazy? Nicolas Cage will bring you the crazy. He will go to the crazy store, and he will buy the biggest bag of crazy that they have, and he will personally deliver it to you on a crazy platter with crazy bread. AND AWESOME SAUCE, because you might feel like dipping.

“The Blind Side”: Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, foster parents, football phenom, lessons learned, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”.

“Mary and Max”: Voices of Toni Collette and Philip Seymour Hoffman, claymation, Oscar-winning creators of “Harvie Krumpet”, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”.

“New Moon“: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, sparkle vampires, shirtless Native American werewolves, abstinence, Volvos, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”. (That said, Michael Sheen’s interpretation of a vampire lord as a Pythonesque upper-class twit will eventually be worth the price of a DVD rental. Review up shortly.) UPDATE: Squee! It’s live!

“Planet 51″: CG animation, bright colors, voices of Dwayne Johnson and Justin Long, clever reference to “Alien”, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”.

“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”: Misery, abuse, illiteracy, Mariah Carey, Lenny Kravitz, uplift, redemption, Oprah seal of approval, TIFF People’s Choice Award, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”.

So what are you doing this weekend? You’re seeing “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought.