The latest issue of NOW is out, and that Patton Oswalt interview I mentioned a couple of weeks ago? Why, it’s our cover story. Enjoy it — and then, if you have some time, go out and buy his CDs, because they’re great. Yes, people still buy CDs. Stop snickering. Use the iTunes if you must.

Also in this week’s issue, you’ll find my conversation with Viggo Mortensen and Kodi Smit-McPhee regarding “The Road”, and Q&As with that film’s director, John Hillcoat, and Oswalt’s “Big Fan” director, Robert D. Siegel.

All that transcription, and my brain never exploded — it’s an American Thanksgiving miracle!

My latest MSN DVD column looks at Judd Apatow’s “Funny People” — a film that’s three-fifths flawed but interesting and two-fifths just plain wrong.

Fortunately, the sections cleanly separate around the 85-minute mark, so if you hit “stop” when you hear someone say “My accent’s not so bad now, is it?”, you might come away satisfied. A long shot, I know, but worth trying if you’re an Adam Sandler or Seth Rogen fan.

Of course, then you’ll miss an amazingly miscalculated performance from Eric Bana, who only shows up in the film’s final stretch. It’s your call.

Also, because it’s the day before U.S. Thanksgiving, movies are opening! Three of them! Specifically:

“Fantastic Mr. Fox“: Wes Anderson + Roald Dahl x George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Billy Murray and Michael Gambon = delightful. If you’re like me, and you enjoy things that are wonderful, you should see this as soon as possible.

“Ninja Assassin“: The title sounds redundant, right? Ninja are assassins, after all. But this guy — played by Korean superstar and occasional Colbert rival Rain, whom I interview here — actually kills ninjas, making the title as accurate as … well, as accurate as a thrown shuriken. My review will be in tomorrow’s paper; I’ll link to it as soon as it’s online. (Short version? It’s no “Ninja III: The Domination”.)

“Old Dogs”: John Travolta and Robin Williams — who haven’t really had the best of years — bid for the dollars of the elderly with a mid-life parenthood comedy from the director of Travolta’s “Wild Hogs”. I saw “Wild Hogs“. I will not be seeing “Old Dogs” if I can help it. So there.

Over at the AV Club this morning, Mike D’Angelo bravely confronts his hatred of the extended take in a piece about the amazing in-car assault sequence in Alfonso Cuaron’s “Children of Men” … which, it seems, will be turning up on a lot of best-of-the-decade lists in the coming weeks. Including mine, probably.

The best-of-the-decade thing has been kicking my ass, actually. I mean, there are a few obvious entries, but suddenly you’re staring at two or three dozen obvious entries, and then you realize there’s no room for “Bad Boys II” … and that’s when the panic sets in.

Anyway, I’m struggling with it. Any suggestions?

As you may have heard, “New Moon” made a great deal of money this past weekend, scoring an opening gross of $140.7 million — the third biggest opening ever, behind “The Dark Knight” and “Spider-Man 3”. The lesson here? Never underestimate the power of teenage girls and their babysitting money.

Of course, if that was really all it took, then the Jonas Brothers concert picture would have been just as massive, and that horrible live-action “Bratz” movie would have been the top film of 2007.

No, there’s got to be something else at work here. I’m seriously considering establishing a foundation to research the phenomenon, and look for a cure. Come on, people — let’s see if we can’t beat this thing before “Eclipse” opens next summer!

Continuing our vampire weekend, here’s my latest MSN movies gallery, looking at various undead suitors in film and television.

Oh, and “New Moon”? Huge. I guess those child admissions really add up.

So, CTV News Channel had me on yesterday to talk about “New Moon”, and somehow I ended up talking about what the sparkly abstinence vampires and the shirtless werewolf lads actually mean in terms of sexual politics and metaphors and stuff, and how Stephenie Meyer doesn’t really have the first idea about horror iconography … or indeed, a grasp on anything she’s talking about.

I’m, um, going to spend the rest of the weekend in hiding.

I’ve said this before, but this is the truly fascinating thing about Nicolas Cage: He knows exactly what he is doing. He wants you to laugh; he wants to find out how far he can go. And therefore, there is no other movie you need to see this weekend besides “Bad Lieutenant”. I’ll mention the other stuff, but seriously? Cage. Herzog. Batshit insanity at its finest. Seriously, look at the photo. LOOK AT IT.

“The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans“: You want the crazy? Nicolas Cage will bring you the crazy. He will go to the crazy store, and he will buy the biggest bag of crazy that they have, and he will personally deliver it to you on a crazy platter with crazy bread. AND AWESOME SAUCE, because you might feel like dipping.

“The Blind Side”: Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, foster parents, football phenom, lessons learned, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”.

“Mary and Max”: Voices of Toni Collette and Philip Seymour Hoffman, claymation, Oscar-winning creators of “Harvie Krumpet”, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”.

“New Moon“: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, sparkle vampires, shirtless Native American werewolves, abstinence, Volvos, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”. (That said, Michael Sheen’s interpretation of a vampire lord as a Pythonesque upper-class twit will eventually be worth the price of a DVD rental. Review up shortly.) UPDATE: Squee! It’s live!

“Planet 51”: CG animation, bright colors, voices of Dwayne Johnson and Justin Long, clever reference to “Alien”, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”.

“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”: Misery, abuse, illiteracy, Mariah Carey, Lenny Kravitz, uplift, redemption, Oprah seal of approval, TIFF People’s Choice Award, no Nicolas Cage, not “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”.

So what are you doing this weekend? You’re seeing “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Well, this is frustrating. I was all set to link to my interviews with Nicolas Cage and Werner Herzog (for “The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans”) and Rain (for “Ninja Assassin”), but something’s hinky with the NOW site and this week’s content isn’t online yet. So we’ll have to wait on those. But my piece on the announced closure of the Carlton Cinemas is up, so you can start there.

UPDATE: Links are live — make sure you listen to the audio clip of Cage discussing the “Wicker Man” remake, mmkay?

In the meantime, here’s some Oscar talk: AMPAS has announced its short lists for Documentary Feature and Animated Feature, and as usual there are some intriguing inclusions and surprising omissions.

There’s no sign of “Anvil! The Story of Anvil” and “Capitalism: A Love Story” among the docs, and the live-action “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel” somehow qualifies as animation. Is it because of the CGI characters? Wouldn’t that make “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” eligible for the same prize? Megan Fox has that Uncanny Valley thing going on, after all …

When I was in Cannes last year, gorging on world cinema and little pods of espresso, I made a point of wandering into the massive film market beneath the Palais des Festivals at least once a day. The bustling energy and plentiful candy recharged my weary soul, and there was always a new glossy one-page sell sheet for some preposterous cable project flapping around.

One title that became a running gag was “Ice Twisters”, a CineTel Films property that promised to combine the enviropocalypse of “The Day After Tomorrow” with the wall-to-wall thrills of “Twister” — but, you know, on a more affordable budget.

I brought the sell sheet home, to show friends the sillier side of Cannes — sure, the festival is a celebrity mecca and a celebration of indulgence, but it’s also a place where people can show up and try to sell ridiculous movies that don’t have a hope in hell of ever getting produced.

You know what happens next. “Ice Twisters” actually got made, and premiered on U.S. cable over the weekend — on the Syfy channel, home of knowingly ridiculous feature films — as counterprogramming to “2012”.

I’m hoping to go back to Cannes next year. Maybe I should drag out that old screenplay about the killer mutant poodles. Stranger things have happened, obviously.